Kaligutpay

I hate let’s-wait-for-the-future things although that’s what I have been telling them. I hate telling them that because I know I hate waiting for the future. I hate waiting (period). He knows that well.

Sometimes patience is needed for the right decision. However, in this case, my cowardice overrides my patience. I don’t want to wait for a bad future. It’s not the bad future that scares me. It’s the waiting. And when you waited and waited but got the bad future instead of a good one; it sucks. You waited for nothing. No, not nothing. Something worse than nothing. They say waiting is worth every second when a good future happens. But maybe not for me. I hate waiting and I hate anticipation (I walk out during suspenseful parts during home movie watching). I always anticipate some bad future, probably because I deserve it. So I won’t wait.

I can’t. It’s instinct. Some bad experience that might have happened before when I waited and waited and got a bad future. I don’t know if it will go away. Suspense is building up and I want to run out of here.

But sometimes running takes time. Running takes preparation. Hopefully, while trying to run, while trying to prepare, I’ll look back. Maybe look forward, try to see the good future. Try not to see the long wait. Maybe look at the bad future as well. Maybe the bad future won’t last so long. Hopefully, while looking, while trying to run, I will realize maybe the good future might be worth waiting for after all.

Syempre with warning this time about the geekiness of this blog post.

Anyway, since kelangan kong mag-edit ng video (shucks ang yabang) dahil super dilim nung kuha I resorted to download and use VirtualDub.

Di naman over-the-belles extravaganza ang gamit ko sa VirtualDub. Pinaliwanagan ko lang ang video para naman makita ang paggegewang at pagkekembot ng mga dancers namin sa video. (curious kayo no?)

Bat ko binoblog to? Wala lang. Medyo reminiscing kase ang feeling nung ginagamit ko sya ulit. Yah. You heard me right. Ulit. I used it before to check on errors sa anime collection ko. (Yah! Ganun ako katyaga kahit aabutin ng 44 years ang pagcheck ng bawat episode)

Wala lang. Aliw. Anyway, sa mga nakakarelate sa sinasabi kong video. They’re already posted. You know where. 2 videos from cam 1 and cam 2.

Note: For those looking to do simple editings on a video. I would suggest VirtualDub paired of course with a codec pack. The best sya! Hindi po to plugging. Freeware naman ang VirtualDub.

Flickr-ers and Flickr-ettes often greet people by posting a Christmas photo they took. So here’s mine. Nakikiuso. Haha!

Many of you may not know what the hell Beetle Bailey is. Unfortunately, my mom showered me with lots of Beetle Bailey mass production comic books that it’s been etched forever in my memory. (I will be needing to ask my mother how she got those.)

You shouldn’t be surprised to see me gnashing my teeth in frustration when I learned that the writers actually released a book set that has every freaking comic strip they have since 1950s. Should I be glad? Happy? Jumping with ecstatic erotic joy? No! The books are in German. How uncool is that!?! They’re releasing the books by years at a time. So far they have until volume 6 covering 1950s until 1962. Waaaaaaaaaahhh!!!

They might have heard my gnashing of teeth all the way to wherever they are ‘coz an English version of volume 1 is coming to Amazon on May 25, 2008! Still a long time but hey, here’s one freak who can’t wait for her dose of Beetle Bailey.

Beetle Bailey is still ongoing by the way. Imagine having to read the each daily comic strip from 1950’s to today! Good thing my eyes have their resting time in between volume releases.

To the readers: Pardon my English. It’s 2:40 in the morning and I just downed a whole 90 gram bag of nori potato chips. I desperately need my coke. And my left side of the brain is fighting with my right side of the brain whether or not I should brave the 3 degrees cold outside to cross the street to the almighty 7-11 store and get my cola. Up to now they’re still fighting, they not giving me enough brain cells to be creative. O well, sorry beloved fans.

(Next, I wish Santa for Philippines to release a book set or comic set of classic pinoy comics especially Combatron of Funny comics. I never got to see how that ended.)

All I want for Christmas is Beetle Bailey!!!

My headaches been acting more frequently and longer than I want them to be. I don’t believe I’m psychosomatic. Over nga ang work ko kapag depressed o galit! Ilalabas ang depression sa coding (at galit sa comments i.e. “DITO KA DAPAT LUMABAS!!!!!!!!”)

But probably because I don’t have my support group here in Tokyo that my emotions are channeling themselves upward instead of towards an LCD monitor (and type-banging of the keyboard hehehe).

My support groups consist of my family and friends. Usually, my family doesn’t know something’s bugging me but never fails to cheer me up anyway. Weird sila and in most people’s standards, too pranka. (“Ano ba yan?! What?! Yan lang? Wala yaannnnn.”) Saan pa ba ako magmamana no!?

My support group friends are mostly Cebuanos. By Manilenyos’ standards, Cebuanos seem to be always angry or in haste hehehe. My boss keeps telling me I sound angry when I disagree or try to make a point. Hala! Pumunta ka ng Cebu! Tignan natin di ka mahi-blood dun! (Sidenote: salamat sa weekend guys! Wala gyud ko muadto para mustorya unta pero thanks for prying haha! Rico, grabeh. Super sanay ka na sa mga Bisaya! Bow kami!)

Syet! Sabi ko pa naman no depressing blogs dito sa blog ko hahahaha! Pabayaan nyo na! Hopefully, mawawala na to. Wag naman sana mawala completely dahil ibig sabihin nun tumalon na ako sa Mt. Fuji. WeeeeehhhhhH!!

Ika nga ni Cosmo: me depression wave ba dito?

The mischievous smile. Your cute cheekbones. How we could talk for hours about your games, books and magazines versus my anime, gadgets and clothes.

Far worse than the things that I will miss, I lost my closest friend. If I could keep you as a friend, I would. And yet, it is impossible for us to be friends. We both know that and we both know why.

I know what I lost. No, it wasn’t worth it. But I can’t erase what I have done. And we can’t ignore what we have become because of that.

One last glimpse. One last look together to the world ahead of us. I really do regret that we can’ t look at the world together after this.

Thank you for everything. And I’m sorry.

I know I can never erase what I did before. I know I can never erase the hurt of what I did yesterday. I’m still very sorry.

Nothing’s been fixed yet!

This time no more pretending. No more pretending that this can be fixed. No more masquerading I can still genuinely smile on my alone time. I shoot pictures. I play RPG games. I try to work. But I just really want to forget.

No more pretending. I’m sad. I’m angry. I’m crying. And I can’t pretend I can still take it. I don’t even want to work. (I’m sorry AJ and A-Link)

I’m shouting it out!

I’m depressed! Damn it! Matagal na!

On life, fuck-up’s, and shit.

No, I didn’t place any character that cannot be rendered by your browser’s current character set. Yes, it is what it is. Three question marks.

As many would probably shrug off my current state of turmoil as quarter life crisis, if you are one of them then skip the whole damn blog. Suffice to say, I’m placing my blogsite on hold temporarily. I will blog again when this is over.

I’ve just closed a chapter of my life which I may say I’ve made a lot of wrong decisions. And when one wrong decision gets on top of another, let’s just say it wasn’t so nice. Just wish it blew only at my face. But no… It blew pretty much on everyone’s faces; everyone who risked being close to me.

Happy are the people who live by what the world throws at them. These people just let themselves be content that it wasn’t their fault they are in a mess. They stay in that mess but they blame the whole damn world for that mess. It was never their fault.

Well, I’m not one of the those people. Like I said, happy are they. I’m not happy. I screwed. I can’t blame the world for this f*ck up. I’m used to doing what I can to get what I want, what I need, what I want to achieve. I don’t let the world just do it for me. You can see where I ended up.

I’m about to make another decision. As much as I want the world to just make it for me, I can’t. It’s not one of those things. My life is in static. I will decide on how I will open another chapter of my life. I’m not so eager to go on with life. I’m not so eager to live. But people are waiting. People are depending. So for now, I must contemplate. I will stay between the chapters of my life and decide on how I will start a new one. Will it be a better one? or will it be as f*cked up as the recent one?

This is going to be two way decision. A yes or a no. An A or a B. Either one is not pretty. I do not wish to decide. If anyone wishes for me to stay between the chapters, then be my guest. Let my misery end here. Let their misery end now.

Yup, I’m going back to Maharlika, my country my home.

Problema. Wala na akong home dun!

That’s right. Wala na! As in gone! Vavoom! Chuwing!

Wala na po kase ang pamilya ko sa Cebu. Nagmigrate na sa ibang bansa. At ang above 21 nyong yours truly, eh hindi covered ng petition nila.

So heto ako. Uuwi. Walang uuwian.

Pero sige pa rin! Para makakain ulit ng lechon!